Suburban Oblivion

Profile of a Gapmom

// March 20th, 2007 // Real Life //

I live in the land of Gapmoms. You may have another word for them- yuppies, wasps, soccer moms, Suburbia Barbie, whatever. Personally I always thought going to my daughter’s school that I’d somehow stepped into a Gap ad, so the name stuck. Needless to say, I am not a Gapmom, but I do have a weird fascination with them. It’s like watching the Stepford Wives, only without Nicole Kidman around to go “What the hell is wrong with these women??” We’ve lived here for going on four years now, and I’ve observed a few common traits among them.

Clothing- Brand doesn’t matter, but the look must say “perfectly put together, without looking like you tried too hard”. Hair should always be styled, nails manicured and pedicured, and makeup is required. Anything recognizably from Walmart would probably get you thrown out of the clique faster than you can say ‘Starbucks’.

Car- SUV, what else? Identifying markings include “My child is an honor student at ______” stickers and/or magnets shaped like a football, baseball or ballet shoe with a name on them.

Cell phone- Attached to the ear the minute they turn the SUV on. Who they are talking to at 8am is beyond me.

Activities- Going to the gym, shopping at Target and Fresh Market, and being at the school 24/7 for everything imaginable.

Kids- Generally given top 20 names with cutesy spellings, like ‘Kaitlyn’, ‘Haylee’ and ‘Jazmyn’. Easy to spot across the parking lot by the colorful boutique clothing and large bows on the girl’s heads.

Food- I don’t think they actually eat, and thats probably how they stay so thin. They seem to subsist largely on vente caramel lattes from Starbucks.

Home- At least 3 bedroom, impeccably clean, always brick,  and in in the ‘right’ neighborhoods, extra points if the house is on a cul-de-sac.

So there ya have it, welcome to my neighborhood! Cookies anyone?

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