Profile of a Gapmom

Mar20

08:16 pm on Mar 20th 2007 Sara

I live in the land of Gapmoms. You may have another word for them- yuppies, wasps, soccer moms, Suburbia Barbie, whatever. Personally I always thought going to my daughter’s school that I’d somehow stepped into a Gap ad, so the name stuck. Needless to say, I am not a Gapmom, but I do have a weird fascination with them. It’s like watching the Stepford Wives, only without Nicole Kidman around to go “What the hell is wrong with these women??” We’ve lived here for going on four years now, and I’ve observed a few common traits among them.

Clothing- Brand doesn’t matter, but the look must say “perfectly put together, without looking like you tried too hard”. Hair should always be styled, nails manicured and pedicured, and makeup is required. Anything recognizably from Walmart would probably get you thrown out of the clique faster than you can say ‘Starbucks’.

Car- SUV, what else? Identifying markings include “My child is an honor student at ______” stickers and/or magnets shaped like a football, baseball or ballet shoe with a name on them.

Cell phone- Attached to the ear the minute they turn the SUV on. Who they are talking to at 8am is beyond me.

Activities- Going to the gym, shopping at Target and Fresh Market, and being at the school 24/7 for everything imaginable.

Kids- Generally given top 20 names with cutesy spellings, like ‘Kaitlyn’, ‘Haylee’ and ‘Jazmyn’. Easy to spot across the parking lot by the colorful boutique clothing and large bows on the girl’s heads.

Food- I don’t think they actually eat, and thats probably how they stay so thin. They seem to subsist largely on vente caramel lattes from Starbucks.

Home- At least 3 bedroom, impeccably clean, always brick, and in in the ‘right’ neighborhoods, extra points if the house is on a cul-de-sac.

So there ya have it, welcome to my neighborhood! Cookies anyone?

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35 Responses to “Profile of a Gapmom”

Jennifer Mar 21st 2007 at 05:33 am 1

Seriously, you just described several things about me? Oh no.

Clothing…I try to look put together…

I drive an SUV…

I covet all things Fresh Market

My brick 3 bedroom home is on a cul-de-sac

Oh. My. Gawd.
Steph Mar 21st 2007 at 05:54 am 2

Lord help me. I’m a gap mom! (well minus the SUV and the cell phone) lol
Heather Mar 21st 2007 at 07:38 am 3

Are you sure we go to the same school?
Sara Mar 21st 2007 at 08:05 am 4

Bwahaha. Maybe thats what happens when you skip carpool line, you don’t get to see so much of them in their natural habitats. There are a few that stand out, but keep an eye out for a big truck with a license plate that proudly announces what a sexy mom she is
Sarah (In the Trenches of Mommyhood) Mar 21st 2007 at 08:07 am 5

Ummm…I have the SUV…but that’s about it. I take Eldest to preschool in a ball cap and always make sure my winter coat is zipped so as to hide the ketchup and snot stains that are adorning my sweats and skanky workout shirt.
Makeup? What’s that?
Robyn Mar 21st 2007 at 11:51 am 6

Have you been spying on me??
Race Mom Mar 21st 2007 at 12:19 pm 7

Is it possible to be half a Gapmom? SUV, cell phone, cute clothes for kids, four bedroom; but not perfectly clean. Mom eats plenty, and has the butt to prove it. And our main activity is racing, not dance, soccer, or gymnastics. Love your sense of humor and insight!
Christina Mar 21st 2007 at 05:58 pm 8

I am standing right there with you!
Karen Mar 21st 2007 at 07:24 pm 9

I’m thinking they are making duplicate neighborhoods, it’s all so Cylonesque really.
Tulipmom Mar 21st 2007 at 09:19 pm 10

Well, my house fits the bill (except for all the clutter) and I love Whole Foods (although hardly ever go anymore) but that’s about it. I’m not a GymRat (and it shows), I wish I had time for makeup everyday or even most days, I don’t drive an SUV, and I really try to avoid driving and talking (on my cell, that is). Just getting Sweet Boy up, centered, medicated, and to school “on time” (or some variation thereof) takes all I’ve got most mornings. If I figure out a way to look great while doing all that, I’ll let you know.
MammaLoves Mar 22nd 2007 at 07:31 am 11

I hate all those women who are so put together. I usually pass them as I’m headed into the office and I don’t look half as done up as they do walking the kids to school.

UGH! The intimidation!
AbsolutelyBananas Mar 22nd 2007 at 08:02 am 12

Funny!
Just stumbled onto your blog, and I LOVE the tagline (who are these kids and why are they calling me mom). I think you should make yourself up a t-shirt to wear that says that, for the next time you’re out with the Gapmoms. They may look put together, but PERSONALITY wins!!!
Robin Mar 22nd 2007 at 08:51 am 13

Don’t those venti caramel lattes from Starbucks have like 3000 calories?
crunchy carpets Mar 22nd 2007 at 11:46 am 14

I would be a gapmom if I fit the clothes.

My kids are better dressed than me!
sigh.

do have the cool sort of suv though.
House is a disaster though…

Oh well….
Peg Mar 22nd 2007 at 12:55 pm 15

LMAO…

I’m so not a Gapmom…they’d probably refer to me as a Crapmom! No matter where you live, there are Gapmoms!

I’m friends with one (we’ve been friends since we were in the 5th grade), and she has secretly revealed to me that being a Gapmom (although I don’t think she called it that) is more of a curse than anything, and she envies my ability to not get caught up in that kind of BS!

Great Blog, BTW–found you via Plain Jane…

Peg
Andria Mar 22nd 2007 at 01:39 pm 16

I know exactly what you mean! My son’s preschool last year was just like that. I didn’t fit in at all and was looked at like a had three heads. This year’s school is a bit better, but there are some gapmoms there too.

Your term is much more polite than what I gave my preschool moms.
Coach Coco Mar 23rd 2007 at 12:42 pm 17

Absolutely my life. You have nailed it. We work very hard for our image. Except, I live on Starbucks nonfat,lattes, the vanilla is just too sweet. Great blog.
Dana Mar 27th 2007 at 01:47 pm 18

I was beginning to think that we lived in the same town until you said Target and Starbucks.
Suburban Oblivion » The Third Wheel is Square Apr 13th 2007 at 10:28 pm 19

[...] organized, and I knew they both had that put-together look that initially made me fearful they were Gapmoms. That alone is intimidating enough. But after the recent posts by the two of them talking about [...]
Shauna Apr 14th 2007 at 05:56 pm 20

I just recently found your blog and liked that you linked to this post. Loved it! What’s the opposite of a GapMom? I think that’s me.
Suburban Oblivion » Walking into the Lair of the Gapmoms Aug 1st 2007 at 03:39 pm 21

[...] to avoid getting stepped on by the high-heeled size 7 shoes of perfectly tanned and highlighted Gapmoms. Only this time they are not going to be so easy to avoid, as I have dug my own grave by joining [...]
Sarah Aug 1st 2007 at 06:55 pm 22

I taught at a school where Gapmoms ruled the roost. Exactly why does one need to drive their ONE child to school in a Hummer?
Suburban Oblivion » Every Woman Loves Her Some Blog Bling Aug 26th 2007 at 07:59 pm 23

[...] sparkles, but I can give you a laugh and a little bling for your sidebar! Remember awhile back I profiled the Gapmom, talking about the defining characteristics of that amazing woman who manages to drive her SUV to [...]
Wendy Sep 6th 2007 at 08:37 pm 24

No sorry not me Sara, I don’t drink Starbucks and although I am surrounded by SUV drivers I am not one. My car isn’t even street legal right now oops LOL
candace Sep 13th 2007 at 06:16 pm 25

I just read Shauna’s post but had to fill myself in on what a gap mom is so thanks for the definition. I get the idea. But horror of all horrors, I just got home from fresh market and love the red campaign at The Gap. I want an SUV but the highlander hybrid. does that redeem me? oh well, either way, love your blog!
Sheila Sep 14th 2007 at 06:27 am 26

I just came across this (via Pass the Chocolate) and am so glad I did! You hit the nail on the head! I am so not a GapMom!
bellevelma Sep 15th 2007 at 07:52 am 27

LOL! Came here via way of Pass the Chocolate. My son recently started Kindergarten and I’ve got a bad a feeling I’m not going to fit in. Already noticed it somewhat at his soccer practice last week. Sigh…
Bryany Sep 19th 2007 at 11:31 am 28

Ohmigoodness…you just pinned the tail on the perpetual donkey.

Is it really true that we’ll all turn into this if we stay here long enough?

Please tell me that’s a horrible myth….haha.
jen Sep 27th 2007 at 06:54 pm 29

how come so many people online are “misfits” that I could be best friends with, and everyone in real life is a gap mom??? It’s a trick!!
tommiea Sep 27th 2007 at 08:19 pm 30

visiting from Jennifer Playgroupie……this totally could be me minus the SUV…but I do drive the XC70.
jill Sep 29th 2007 at 03:13 pm 31

I know the type. When I quit my job when daughter #1 was born I had many a play date with the Gap Mom type. So boring. I couldn’t stand sitting around talking about parenting books and comparing which percentile our children fall in for weight and height. I hated play groups!! Ten 2-year olds in a room together is sheer hell, even if their mothers are cool.

Thank goodness I found friends whose interests went beyond their children and shopping!
Mr Lady Oct 2nd 2007 at 04:29 pm 32

When I clicked this link, I thought for sure I was going to fit into that description. I am proud to say that I failed, miserably.
toni Oct 26th 2007 at 10:02 am 33

Uh oh!
Soccer mom? Check.
Brick house? Partial check (due to partial brick).
Cul-de-sac? Check (and was a huge “want” when we were looking)
SUV? Um,…minivan (does that make me Mini Gap???)
Put together? Um, sort of. In public. If I fear running into those I know. Brandname, sure. But,…B-U-T….I shop at thrift stores due to our single income status.

So, what does that make me? A Gap mom? Or perhaps just a mom with gaps. That’ll work.
Blessings,
~Toni~
p.s. I don’t “do” playdates, so surely I earned a few “Gap-less” mom points for that.
Rachel Nov 11th 2007 at 05:02 pm 34

that is hysterical! and damned if it isn’t the truth. I run into lots of those down here. sheesh.
Christine Jan 31st 2008 at 12:36 am 35

OMG Crapmom!!! That’s me on my “drop off lane” days. I will never be a Gapmom and maybe I just need to embrace it. Who am I kidding, I live in Southern California. The moms here seem to want to look like they share the same closet as their daughters.